Just when you’ve finally gotten around to putting your Christmas items away, it’s time to take them all back out again. But it’s worth the trauma because it’s the most magical time of the year. And speaking of magic, it’s amazing how most of my friends disappear right around the holiday season. They don’t return my calls because they know I’m calling for help so I can have my Christmas tree up and decorated before the holiday arrives. That’s where the trauma part comes into play. You see, I don’t go to a tree farm to bring home a Christmas tree. My tree is up in the attic and all of my friends know that. It’s true, I have an artificial tree, but it looks real. What gives it away is its smell. It doesn’t have that pine fresh smell like the ones from the tree farm have. It’s got more like a musty smell from being stored up in the attic too long. But that smell isn’t anything that a large can of Glade won’t take care of.
This year I tracked down two of my friends and pleaded with them to help me out. First we armed ourselves with a ladder and flashlight then headed upstairs to boldly go where few have gone before. As we entered the bedroom my eyes looked up to the ceiling where the attic’s secret entrance is. My friends Jim and Nancy got the ladder ready and waved me over to begin my climb. When I got to the top rung my sweaty hand reached up to the plywood that covered the entrance and pushed it aside. The stale air seeped out of the opening and into my lungs. Before I could turn back I was given a push from below. This push was large enough to thrust me up through the entrance and into this undiscovered galaxy. I fumbled for my flashlight, wishing I had worn a spacesuit to protect myself from invisible dust mites and unidentified flying objects with wings. As my flashlight cut through the darkness I could see tiny particles of floating insulation pass by the light. They looked like asteroids from a science fiction movie so I knew enough to avoid them.
“Joe, did you find the tree?” Jim muttered from below.
“Yes, I’ve found the box marked, artificial Christmas tree.” Course I didn’t have the heart to tell him that it didn’t necessarily mean we would find an artificial Christmas tree in there. “Look out below, I’m sending it down through the hatch!”
Thump and crash went the artificial box as it hurled itself down to the bedroom. There was a gasp as Nancy screamed, “There’s nothing in here but a bunch of broken bulbs! Where’s the tree?”
Once again my flashlight panned across the galaxy to a fully-grown, artificial tree with all the tinsel still hanging on it. The memory of Christmas past returned. Last year I had placed the tree up here without taking it apart! Well no wonder the tree wasn’t in the box! No one was around then to help me so I had to put it away myself. I dragged the tree upstairs and positioned it right below the attic’s entrance. I then climbed up the tree and into the attic. Next, I grabbed the tree by its highest branch and gave it one big yank. Who said trees can’t fly? They can, and this one flew all the way to the outer limits of the attic where it now stands. I did it without anyone’s help and without my trusty flashlight. I’ve got the 2’ by 4’ scars to prove it.
“I found the Christmas tree but it’s still in full bloom.”
My friends instructed me to take it apart then send it down through the opening. There was no way I was going to take that thing apart up here. What happens if my flashlight goes dead? I’d be stuck up here celebrating Christmas with a musty artificial tree and no Glade. They had fresh air and heat where they were. Besides I was afraid I might end up with hundreds of artificial pine needles attached to my body parts. I quickly dragged it to the opening and before they could respond I yelled, “TIMBER!”
An awful lot of commotion followed. I waited a few minutes before I finally poked my head down through the opening to take a look around. Jim and Nancy had removed themselves and the ladder from the bedroom, leaving me hanging in the cosmos to think about what I had just done. I warned them that if they didn’t bring the ladder back I was going to hurl my body through space and down to the telephone to call the cops on them. They returned with the ladder but not before they had removed all the artificial pine needles stuck to their very real bodies.
Jim and Nancy gave me an early Christmas gift this year: a grow your own tree kit. It wasn’t even on my wish list. They think it’ll be the best gift I get for Christmas. And I do too.
Now, if I could only find the directions.
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