Para Not So Normal

Shoveling snow, dodging sand trucks and scraping ice from the car window. Yes, it’s that time again. Time to take a mini vacation somewhere down south, way down south, where the palm trees dance to the soft tropical breeze. Where the only ice and salt you’ll come in contact with is found in your margarita drink.

So, how just far south is that? Well, you’ll know you’ve gone far enough even before the plane lands. Just pay attention to the scenery going on outside the plane’s window. If you keep your eyes open, sooner or later you’ll see some poor parasailing tourist strapped to a chute looking in on you. That’s when you’ll know you’ve arrived!

Anyone who visits the tropics for the first time will somehow get roped into taking the parasailing tour. Besides, when you get back to shoveling snow again your friends will ask you if you did. And if you did you better have the proof. Proof that includes a photo that’s as convincing as your dental records because once you’ve parasailed you’ll never want to do it again.

When you first display your pale body on the tropical beach don’t bother searching for the parasailing runway. You won’t have to. The tropical natives send out a paraposse who search for you. Once they spot your pasty looking butt lying on a made in the U.S.A. beach blanket they know they have their prey. You’ll recognize these natives by their deep dark tans and skimpy made in Mexico swimsuits. And if that isn’t enough of a paraposse giveaway then wait till they speak to you. You see, their English vocabulary is limited. They only know a few English words like... “cash only” and “no refunds.”

They’re excellent pointers too. If you ask them where the nearest restroom is they point to the sky. If you ask them where your hotel is they also point to the sky. If you look up to what they keep pointing to you’ll see a pasty looking paratourist floating down from the clouds. And if they have it their way that’s where you’re going to be in about a minute or two. You’re not going to the bathroom folks, although once you’re up there you’ll wish you had.

The paraposse don’t care if you’ve never parasailed. For your comfort, they’ll take you through a quick training program that’s short for a reason... it leaves you little time to change your mind. Besides they don’t want you panicking when you realize that you’re up in the clouds all alone. You see, once you’re in the sky you’re on your own pal. They’re not going up there to help you out. Why should they, you’ve already paid.

Their training program usually goes something like this. “Two whistle, pull down cord on left.” then they’ll blow their whistle twice. “One whistle, pull down cord on right.” Then they’ll blow their whistle once.  Before you can say, “Could you please repeat that?” you’ll be strapped into a harness like a horse. There’s no turning back because they don’t understand words like, “Keep the money. I don’t want to go!” Besides they need someone to point to when they’re out searching for new prey. Now, not only have they got your money, you’ve become the new parapointe.

Unfortunately, the whole experience is over before you have time to compose yourself and snap that one awesome shot you need for the proof back home. But don’t be too alarmed. The paraposses know that and when you land on your pasty looking butt the paraposse’s professional photographer will have an 8”x10” photo already matted and framed for, of course, a small fee. Take it, it’s worth every penny because you’ll immediately become a paraphobic the second you land.

So if you don’t want to end up in paratherapy, I would highly recommend that you first visit your nearest tanning booth and burn your butt off before you fly.

Have a safe landing.